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400-408 – Emerson Eggerichs, and his wife Sarah host Love & Respect Conferences across the country, sponsored by Focus on the Family, and based on their 1.3-million-copy bestselling book Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires & The Respect He Desperately Needs (loveandrespect.com).
• My Summary – Emerson explains the difference between pink and blue sunglasses, and shares how couples can stop spinning in the crazy cycle. The Bible teaches that husbands are to love their wives, and wives are to respect their husbands (Eph 5:33). But what often happens when stress or conflict occurs, is that a wife will interpret her husband's behavior of drawing back as "He doesn't truly love me" when in reality, he's doing the honorable thing as a male under stress, by not yielding to the "fight" response and deciding instead to go to the "flee" response. And inversely, guys interpret their wives pursuit and questioning as a lack of respect, and then the cycle begins – the lack of respect feeds the unloving behavior which feeds the lack of respect, and it goes on and on. To break the cycle, the most mature person needs to move first. We have to remember the issue is never really the issue. We've got to translate. Emerson explains that men spell "respect" CHAIRS (conquest, hierarchy, authority, insight, relationship, and sexuality), and women spell "love" COUPLE (closeness, openness, understanding, peacemaking, loyalty, esteem). Sometimes, we can use the same words and mean different things. For example, the phrase "I have nothing to wear" means different things to guys and gals – men mean they don't have anything clean, women mean they don't have anything new.
• Love & Respect, Science Reports That "Love And Respect" Is The Key. Professor John Gottman at the University of Washington, spent 20 years studying 2000 couples, and published his findings in a 1994 book entitled Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. His breakthrough study received international attention because of his ability to predict with 94% accuracy who will stay married and who will divorce. He writes, "...most couples I've worked with over the years, really wanted just two things from their marriage - love and respect" (p. 18).
• Love & Respect, Not Wrong – Just Different! All about pink and blue glasses: women are attuned to feelings and love, just as men are attuned to respect and honor. Wives need to feel loved, men need to feel respected.
• Love & Respect, The Power Of Respect Talk. A husband needs to feel respect for who he is in the same way a wife needs to feel love for who she is.
• Love & Respect, Stepping On Air Hoses. The wife has an air hoses connected to a "Love Tank," and the husband has an air hose connected to a "Respect Tank."
• Love & Respect, Repeatedly Flipping A Broken Light Switch. If I came into a room and flipped a light switch but the light did not come on, you'd think nothing of it. But if I stood for half-an-hour flipping it and no lights came on, you'd say, "He's crazy." Craziness is when we keep doing the same thing - again and again - with the same ill effect. Marital craziness is when we do the same thing - over and over - with the same negative results. It's called the Crazy Cycle. When we're hurt and frustrated we tend to keep reacting in negative ways to motivate our spouse to be positive, but these negative ways only make the problem worse! It's like flipping a broken light switch for 30 minutes.
Feeling overweight after the holidays, Michelle complains to Adam, her husband. He listens quietly. The next day at the bookstore, Adam sees front and center the book, Dieting for the Christian Woman: Post Holiday Menus. He purchases it. When he brings it to Michelle she goes ballistic! "I can't believe you! This is unreal. You don't love me for me but only if I look nice. You're despicable!"
Browsing the titles in the marriage section of the bookstore, Kelly is drawn to the book, Talking: the Key to Marital Bliss. She buys it. This is the third marriage book she bought this year. She intends for Jason, her husband, to read it with her. Bringing it home she sets it by Jason's lounge chair for him to devour. She has underlined in yellow key sections for him to read. Instead, the book collects dust. Irked Kelly asks, "Why aren't you reading this book about marital bliss?" Jason replies, "We will just get in a fight. Frankly, I'm tired of never being good enough. Our marriage gives me blisters, not bliss!"
These couples will be at odds for awhile. Both will say negative things that will prove ineffective to soften the other.
Many find themselves in similar situations. The topics vary but the same negative reaction is evident. This negative reaction exists as a wake up call, but one's spouse does not seem to wake up! Inwardly each feels, "They can't treat me this way! I'll show them!"
But he or she doesn't learn the lesson. They're in the Crazy Cycle.
All who are married go through this cycle. The topics change, and the intensity varies, but the crazy cycle continues. This happens among good willed people. Sadly, some think they have a horrible marriage because of this craziness. Truth is, they are inches away from making an adjustment that can set them on a whole new and positive course. The key is to see underneath this "craziness," to the heart of a spouse.
Emerson Eggerichs, and his wife Sarah host Love & Respect Conferences across the country, sponsored by Focus on the Family, and based on their 1.3-million-copy bestselling book Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires & The Respect He Desperately Needs (loveandrespect.com). When in conflict, 83% of men report feeling disrespected, and 72% of women report feeling unloved. Today we talk about the Biblical wisdom of "husbands love your wives, and wives respect your husbands". Men spell "respect" CHAIRS (conquest, hierarchy, authority, insight, relationship, and sexuality), and women spell "love" COUPLE (closeness, openness, understanding, peacemaking, loyalty, esteem).
• Love & Respect, The Wounded Human Spirit. A wife is wounded if she hears her husband exclaim, "Nobody could love you!" A husband is wounded if a wife shouts, "Nobody could ever respect you!"
• Love & Respect, Three Central Questions.
1) Why do we negatively react to each other? The Crazy Cycle. When suddenly the issue isn't the issue, what is the issue? We reveal what you and your spouse really mean when you negatively react. A wife wears pink sunglasses and a husband wears blue sunglasses. God made them male and female. This colors what each sees and explains the negative reactions.
2) How can we energize our spouse to respond more positively? The Energizing Cycle. How is your spouse best motivated or energized God's way? Knowing another's deepest need is the key to motivating that person. Because God made us male and female, He has revealed a powerful truth about what best motivates a husband and wife.
3) What can we do when our spouse continues to be negative while we're trying to be loving and respectful? The Rewarded Cycle. What unexpected rewards come to a person who acts on Ephesians 5:33? Five real benefits come to the spouse who understands why there are negative reactions and grasps how to energize the marriage God's way - even when a spouse is less responsive. We believe God is there. We believe He intervenes. We do not believe God is silent or indifferent. According to Christ "Abba Father" is real. He intends to help us. Paul continues in Ephesians 6, "whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord" (6:8). We explain what those good things are that a person receives.
• Love & Respect, My Husband Is a Mysterious Island Around Which I Paddle.
// Did you know women are divorcing their husbands two to three times more than husbands are divorcing their wives? The walk away wife is real, and for many who don't leave, they dream about it.
I discovered a secret - a secret hidden in plain sight! A husband does not lack the knowledge that he is to love his wife. She tells him that she needs to feel his love. What he lacks is motivation.
// Did you know that God does not command a wife to agape-love her husband? Only the husband is commanded to agape-love (Ephesians 5:33a). Agape-love is that God-like unconditional love.
Why is a wife not commanded to agape-love? God designed a wife to love. She loves to love. For this reason, a husband does not doubt his wife's love. What he doubts is her respect for him. During an argument, if she shouts, "I love you a ton but don't feel any respect for you!" he'll become an island unto himself. A mysterious island.
That is equal to a husband shouting, "I respect you more than any other human being, especially since you received a million dollar inheritance from your old man, but I don't love you, never have." What wife will jump in the air and click her heels over that comment? She is devastated and would never get over it.
As a wife needs love like she needs air, so a husband needs respect like he needs air. He is devastated and never gets over the declaration, "Nobody could ever respect you." //
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• Christopher Helman, Forbes (8/30/2010) Leviathan Oil Field Could Sustain Israel For Decades.
All big oil and gas fields have geopolitical significance, but we haven't seen a big oil find in recent years that could matter more than the Leviathan field in the Mediterranean Sea off of Israel. In recent days Houston-based Noble Energy and its Israeli partner Delek (controlled by Israeli billionaire Yitzhak Tshuva) announced that Leviathan could hold upwards of 4.3 billion barrels of oil.
This is hugely important for Israel, which doesn't exactly see eye-to-eye with its oil-rich Arab neighbors. Israel is almost completely reliant on imported oil, producing less than 4,000 barrels per day of its 250,000 bpd demand. If Leviathan pans out, it could have enough oil to satisfy Israel for more than two decades.
We already knew Leviathan was big. In June, Noble (which owns roughly 40% of the find) and Delek (roughly 50% through two subsidiaries) announced that the field is thought to hold upwards of 16 trillion cubic feet of natural gas. This was on top of another 8 tcf in the nearby Tamar discovery. All this gas means Israel will be able to meet its own gas needs for 50 years or more. (For reference, see my recent story on America's Biggest Oil Fields.)
Aside from the people of Israel, the biggest winners here are clearly Noble, with a market cap of $12 billion, but especially Delek. The publicly traded Delek Group is controlled by Yitzhak Tshuva, who ranked #463 on Forbes' world billionaires list with a net worth of $2.1 billion. Delek is heavily involved in real estate (it owns the Plaza in New York), water desalination and insurance, in addition to owning hundreds of gas stations in the U.S. and Israel.
The development of Tamar and Leviathan will likely be Delek's biggest project ever, requiring billions of dollars over at least five years. If the recoverable oil and gas is anywhere near what's been advertised, then Tshuva could be on track to becoming the richest man in Israel.
• Fox News (9/3/2010) Jobless Rate Rises, Republicans Press to 'Change Course'.
• The Christian Post (9/1/2010) Over 8 in 10 Worldwide See Religion as Important.
• USA Today (9/2/2010) Mormon church, Jewish leaders tackle proxy baptism.
• LA Times (9/3/2010) UC Irvine shortens but won't lift campus ban on Muslim group, students say.
• Daily Mail (9/1/2010) Online night-owls 'risk mental illness': Sleepless nights blamed for rise in teen depression.
